~the only person I ever teased deliberately.
I still see the look on your face sitting on the bus that day - it was humiliation - I wish I could live that day over.
I still hear my voice asking if your hair was supposed to be french braided or if it was just matted - I wish I could take it back.
I still hear the echoes of laughter as the other kids enjoyed your embarrassment - I wish they had been laughing at me.
I still remember the sick feeling I had the rest of that day - I still feel it whenever I think of you.
I'm sorry.
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Who is "Gay Monroe"?
Naive, I feel for you, and for Gay Monroe. I was generally a pretty nice kid, but every kid has the capacity for cruelty. And there were a couple of times when, out of my own insecurity, I made a mean joke at the expense of another kid who was weaker or more vulnerable than me. It's a painful memory.
At this point in my life, I have definitely come to the conclusion that I'd rather look stupid than to make someone else look stupid (whether intentionally or inadvertently). When I feel like an idiot, the sting lasts a day or two at most. When I make someone else feel like an idiot, I have a much harder time living that down in my own heart.
It reminds me of a lovely, sad, and deceptively simple Dorothy Parker poem called "A Very Short Song." The context is different, but the dynamic is the same:
Once, when I was young and true,
Someone left me sad –
Broke my brittle heart in two;
And that is very bad.
Love is for unlucky folk,
Love is but a curse.
Once there was a heart I broke;
And that, I think, was worse.
:/ ...
Not to say I'm evil or anything, but the internet doesn't have enough bandwidth for me to write an apology to every person I've ever teased.
But I do hope that every single one of them turned out to be wildly successful and rich so that they can look down upon me and laugh now.
I remember my mother once saying that she would rather see us get our feelings get hurt than to know that we had been the source of hurting someone else. I thought that sounded kinda mean at the time, but now I know what she meant. As much as I hate it when my kids get teased (especially my beautiful daughter, who I think gets some comments because she is kind and lovely and smart...and others are insecure), I am so proud of them for sticking up for both themselves and for other "underdogs" who though may not appear to be "cool", are really the true souls.
It's hard to imagine you being mean...but at least you recognized it and felt remorse. Pity those who bear no conscience at all.
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