And the Saga Continues ~ Part Two

I posted a general thank you on yesterday's entry, but I'd like to say again how much I appreciate you all taking time to read my story. And for tuning into the continuing saga today. The events in yesterday's post took place in August 2001. Today's post is about what happened in the following three years. I'll try to keep it brief.

Grieving at home after the loss of Owen was very hard work. Even my own mama couldn't comfort me. Not for lack of trying, but simply because I could not be consoled. This is when I met Clew through an internet loss support group and we became fast friends. It was helpful to me to be able to share with someone I connected with on many different levels. However, I'm not totally conviced that the support group helped me heal. Really, what it was, was a bunch of woman trying to conceive again after a loss. It was not hard to get caught up in the frenzy and I found myself wanting to be pregnant again right away.

By November it happened and I was ever so excited. At least I would be pregnant on Owen's due date, I told myself. Unfortunately, the excitment over this pregnancy was even shorter lived when I was rushed for emergency surgery in the middle of December. The pregnancy was ectopic and I lost my left fallopian tube. More anguish and more disappointment and more grieving for the first loss all over again. The doctor's told me that it was impossible for me to conceive again for several months, but I fooled 'em all when in January, I had another positive pregnancy test. And in January, I had another miscarriage.

Where are we? Oh yeah, 2002. March. Yet another pregnancy and another loss. I was quickly losing confidence in my body's ability to carry a pregnancy. And yes, I was a little obsessed with getting it to work. I was certain that a new baby would heal the hole in my broken heart. No one tell's you that your arms will physically ache when you give birth to a still born. No one tell's you that your milk will still come in 3 days after delivery. No one tells you that you'll hear phantom babies crying in the night. The need to have another baby for me was powerful. I craved it.

Then nothing happened. Months of trying only led to frustration and anger and timed-sex. It was not a fun existence. Finally, a test in October (because my doctor was retiring) showed that my right tube was also blocked now. IVF would be the only way to get pregnant. We went for it. In November I had another positive test, but days later, my blood work showed dropping numbers. Loss #5!

But again, we showed the doctors and conceived on our own the very next month. Again, God decided not to let us keep this baby. I miscarried in January 03.

Are you noticing a pattern? Can you guess what's next?

April 03 ~ pregnant. May 03 ~ not pregnant anymore.

We had test after test after test trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally, I found a doctor that made sense. He surmised that all of the pregnancies had most likely been ectopic but had resolved themselves. After an ultrasound, he determined that, yes, my tube was blocked and we would not be able to conceive on our own.

I guess I don't like being told I can't do something, because in June 03, I became pregnant again ~ without help. The bloodwork numbers were really good and we all held our breath with a little hope. In July, I was rushed to the hospital for another ectopic surgery where I lost my last tube and my 8th pregnancy.

This loss was a major turning point. I finally threw my arms up and said, "Fine God, have it Your way!" After only a few weeks, I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I was finally happy with the way my life was. Did I even want a baby or did I just want Owen? Regardless, it was the end of the road for us.

Around Christmas, my husband started talking about alternatives such as IVF. I didn't know if I had the energy to get back on that wagon and I knew I didn't have it in me to lose any more babies. But by January he had convinced me and I started giving myself daily shots.

The retrieval part of the IVF was successful, but something went seriously wrong with my body and we were not able to do the second half of the cycle. The actually getting pregnant part. I wasn't even upset.

Turns out the next month, we were able to complete the cycle and two weeks later, another positive pregnancy test. An ultrasound confirmed we were having twins! First yay, then OMG! Twins?!?! When I started spotting a month later, I knew the pregnancy was over. Blood has never been a good sign for me. Sadly, we lost one baby, but miraculously, one was still alive. And it was the longest pregnancy in history with it's own traumas and scares.

To be concluded......