I'm just a girl trying to find her own custom groove in this world without bending to the expectations of others.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Touring the Past

I've been very distracted with childhood memories lately. The start of summer usually does it to me, but this year I've seemed to relapse into a perpetual state of daydreaming. It's not like I dislike my current life, the warm weather has just reminded me of simpler days with no responsibilities - no coordinating schedules and making sure there's food in the house, no laundry and cleaning, no bill paying and worrying about money.

I had such a stress-free childhood really, with so many fond memories that I can't help but long for those times. Life doesn't seem to be as simple for kids today.

Rather than fighting the reminiscing, I decided to embrace it by taking a "tour of the past". I gathered some appropriate CD's and set out on my own. I visited lots of the places that I think about often as well as a few that I haven't thought of in years. At the park, I imagined a younger me, tossing a softball from the pitchers mound and an even younger version of me playing on the monkey bars that sit adjacent to that park.

This was the park where I hit my first home run, and there was the Ice Cream Hut where the coach took me afterward for a malt. The same place I would later be employed - leaning out the window on my teenage elbows looking for cute boys.

There were the Monkey Trails where I rode my bike (against the rules) and ran into a couple of older boys who took great delight in teasing me.

And there was the house with the rhubarb from this post!

The curve on the gravel road where Wendy was killed in a tragic accident after a party.

The yard where we used to play baseball and where I experienced my first kiss.


There was the house of my first boyfriend whom I still think so fondly of, and the porch we used to sit on dreaming about what we wanted to do.

The culvert where we used to wade, catching frogs.

I found the raspberry bushes that we used to pick clean every year.

I even drove past my old house. The trees and bushes are much bigger and you can catch a glimpse of the in-ground pool that we spent so many hot hours in between the shrinking slats of wood fence.

Then I went past my best friend's house and stopped in front of the lane leading to the forest creek that I described in this post and then continued on up to the bank where I opened my first checking account.

So many memories were swirling on the dusty gravel roads making me long for those times even more. A grief counselor once told me of Owen after he died, "you tend to glorify him as a perfect baby, but no doubt, there would have been times that he'd cry and keep you up at night and you'd become frustrated". I thought of this as I finished up my tour. I remember the dreams I had for myself and the life I envisioned myself living and it's not even close to today's reality, but I recalled the statement from the counselor. I know now that I'm idolizing an alternate future for myself. One that surely would have had just as many disappointments and heartaches as my current life. And living that alternate reality, I'd erase all the wonderful things that happened to me as an adult.

Although it's sometimes difficult, I'm on the road that I'm meant to be on, I can rest assured in that.

15 comments:

Rebecca said...

As you know, I too am very nostalgic....when it comes to childhood though, I don't think that it's over romanticizing. When you had a relatively good childhood (which unfortunately seems to be the minority in todays society), it's' difficult to not long for the simpler times. Sometimes, I wonder if having such a good background made me a little naive to the rest of the world. And maybe contributed to the struggles I face as an adult because I wasn't prepared to handle the adversity as I never had to face it as a child. Does that make sense?

I guess what I'm saying is - go ahead and relive your childhood however you choose to celebrate it. You can't go back, and so long as you dont become obsessed with it - who is hurting? :)

We all need walks down memory lane, dont you think?

Hugs

i used to be me said...

Yay for you, Naive, for recognizing you're right where you're meant to be and not looking for greener pastures!

Another lovely, well written post.

XO

chesneygirl said...

I was going to pretty much say the same thing Rebecca said but probably not as well as she did.

I too was lucky to have a "stress-free" childhood with some "extras" that alot of kids my age didn't have (and many kids still don't today) and sometimes find myself wishing I could go back. It was so much simpler then. I hope and pray to GOD everyday that I can provide the same thing for my son.

As always, wonderful post girl! :)

Martie said...

I never knew that you thought you had a stress free childhood! That does make me feel warm and fuzzy inside to realize that I was able to provide you with a relatively carefree childhood.

This is a lovely, well written piece and I thank you for taking me back to your childhood once again, too!

I love you with all my heart!!

Spin_Doc1 said...

If I had to do it all over, I would make the same mistakes only earlier.

Big Ben said...

Baseball and kissing - you know the way to a man's heart.

Imelda said...

Hi Michelle, I've been reading for a while and thought I'd finally get around to leaving you a comment!

I'm a firm believer in not wanting to change anything about the past (regrettable though it may be), because this would also change the good things that have happened to me too, and I wouldn't want them to be any different.

I do strongly believe, however, that no matter what has happened in the past, we still have many choices about our future. Even if you've travelled down one particular road to date, it doesn't make the majority of your future options any less constrained.

I like to think that we can't choose the cards we're dealt (including the bad ones like death of a loved one), but we do have the power and ability to decide how we wish to play the game. Good luck with yours!

Ame said...

Much beauty and wisdom ... what an incredible gift your childhood is to you and to those who come after you :)

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed this post. When I am writing my fiction, some of my better narratives are culled from my early years, even though my childhood was fairly crappy. Glad yours had its good moments. One of my favorite book titles is a collection by Stuart Dybek, CHILDHOOD & OTHER NEIGHBORHOODS.

Lisa M. said...

I love walks down memory lane.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Life is never what you think it will be.

*Smile* Sometimes.. its even better.

Tirithien said...

Just walk slow, and enjoy your time on memory lane. Take it easy, and enjoy.

Anonymous said...

Although the sun is trying to evaporate the mist that has formed a cloud, I still struggle with the present presented by the past and driving the future.

Theresa said...

This was such a lovely post to read. I'm glad you could go for a visit to your childhood and return to share the journey with all of us.

BarnGoddess_01 said...

great post, summer does that to me too, I am from MI too, it must be a connection.....

Cheryl said...

I read this a while back and didn't comment, but I love the idea! I get nostalgic sometimes also--I don't want to relive the past or go back to any "glory days" because I love life now, but I have some great memories I like to hold close, too. Maybe I'll take a journey like that in Oregon this year.