As the last remnants of sleep lifted from her body and mind, she absently placed a hand on her belly and the horror of the previous day came plunging back. Remembering was more painful than a physical blow as she realized the flat area she rubbed had been swollen with life at this exact time yesterday. Now, the emptiness loomed like a brick wall, stopping her from getting out of bed - from breathing.
She wondered if she could kill herself by simply holding her breath. No, she rationalized, she’d pass out first and her body’s instincts would take over to keep her alive. She imagined the reaction of her family finding her motionless after swallowing a mixture of the pain killers and anti-depressants the hospital had given her.
No one seemed to be grieving the way she was. Nobody shared the emptiness in her body and soul. After all, she never knew the baby that had lived inside her for more than half a year. And she was young, she could always have another. That’s what everyone said anyway, hoping to make her feel better, but in the end making her feel even more desolate.
She was alone. Her baby was gone. Life as she knew it was gone. She twisted the cap off the bottle and let one pill slip down her throat. Then another, and another…until the contents of the bottle filled the emptiness in her belly.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
This was extremely well written, Michelle. When I think of emptiness, one of the first images I think of is the loss of a pregnancy. Maybe its instictive because I'm a woman. Maybe it's because I've sat with many friends who've had such a deeply painful experience. Although I don't know exactly what that emptiness feels like, you seem to have captured it well.
I can not even imagine feeling like this!
And I am SO sorry that you had an experience that made YOU have these feelings. I'm glad you're okay now!! :)
Your writing skills amaze me! I wish I could write even half as well as you!
No, no criticism ... empathy ... I have not experienced the same ... I am so sorry ... I am sorry for the unthoughtful comments you received ... one life does not replace another ... life is not replace-able.
I have been at the place of no longer wanting to live ... hard place to be ... I am sorry ...
I can't imagine a grief so deep as losing a child, born or unborn. You expressed it so well, M.
There were some of us who felt the loss the same as you, but were afraid to express it to you for fear of sending you over the edge. The very worst place for a mother to be is to see her adult child suffer loss after loss and be "helpless" to help her! To have no words to offer comfort with, as a Mom, is devasting. I imagine not as devastating as the repeated losses you have been through, but devasting none the less. I love you!
Girl - you know - that I know -
I love you sistah.
Couldn't have made it thru without you.
What a great site car rack rental westchester International cruise victoms Personal fitness trainers for teens
Post a Comment