Like every American, I remember the events of 9-11 vividly. The shock when a plane crashed into the first tower of the World Trade Center and stunned horror when the second plane hit and the world knew at once that this was no accident.
I grieved with the nation as we waited to hear of survivors. But I'm ashamed to say that I also felt cheated.
I felt cheated out of my own grief. Only a very short month before (to the date), we lost Owen. At that point in my life, I wasn't capable of hurting any more than I already did. And I was extremely upset that the rest of the world had moved on, seemingly without me.
When the events of that day pushed my heartache to the proverbial back burner, something inside me became numb. It didn't seem fair that just because my baby didn't die in a tragedy as great as 9-11 that his death should be forgotten. I felt almost as if people expected me to stop grieving my son and join in a collective grief for our country.
Looking back, I realize how silly that sounds, but in that state of bereavement when nothing makes sense, the feelings were very strong. Still though, on the eve of the anniversary of that fateful day, I feel the emotions pulling their tug of war. I grieve for all of the families who lost loved ones at the hands of terrorists and I grieve for what I lost as well.
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11 comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hadn't read that post before so I didn't know your story. I'll be thinking about your Owen . . as well as the others that lost their lives 5 years ago tomorrow.
My dear soulsister, you know I understand this all. Our losses placed a very odd spin on absorbing the events of 9/11/01. On absorbing anything following them, really.
For me, maybe that's why the images still shake me so. I still can't look at any of it without crying. I'm not saying it wouldn't be that way anyway - but I'm sure the fact that our losses coincide so closely keeps the wounds all the more sensitive. If it's possible for the images and memories of 9/11 to hurt even more than they do by their very own essence, than they do for me. It was a time of national grief on top of private agonizing personal grief.
I'm not sure as I felt cheated as much as I felt put in my place. Reminded I was not the only one who had the rug ripped out from under them. It was humbling on not only the obvious levels but on very deep hidden levels as well.
What a long strange trip it's been.
Hugs across the miles, sistah. I don't know where I'd be without you!
I too had never read the whole story and I thank you for linking to it. I knew part of it but not all. I cried for you today and said a prayer for little Owen. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life.
I have a very similiar story I am going to post today.
I know exactly how you felt.....I was in a smiliar situation when your Dad passed and the Edmund Fitzgerald sank within a few days! It's not that I felt cheated...it's that with all the publicity it seemed the world was trying to make the loss of lifes on the Fitzgerald more important than my loss of husband and father! Does that make any sense?
I don't think you should feel ashamed for feeling cheated. Whatever your feelings are/were - they are valid - they are YOURS. You are entitled to them. And I have no doubt that 9/11 made you feel that much more...lost. vulnerable. cheated.
Oh naive...I had never read this.
I'm so sorry.
I had a close friend that went through the very same thing three years ago...she had a girl, they named her Hope.
Hey Naive - No, I didn't get your email? Please resend! :)
My dear beautiful friend-
my thoughts and prayers are with you. *hugs*
Michelle - just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. xxx
I just found your blog this morning and was having a rollicking good time reading all the fun you were having with your friends...and this post just stopped me in my tracks. I wept with you and for you when I read about Owen. You are such a courageous woman to share such a heartache and you are to be applauded.
As Americans, we all remember the hopelessness and horror of 9/11 - but for you to have it coupled with your greatest loss...renders me speechless.
I wish I could give you a hug. :)
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