I'm just a girl trying to find her own custom groove in this world without bending to the expectations of others.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Weekend Warrior

It's 75 degrees. The breeze is warm and steady. I smell fresh cut grass and the mossy hint of petunias. My cinnamon coffee is resting on the arm of my fake Adirondack chair and I'm writing in my current notebook, which was purchased well over a year ago.

In my defense, this notebook is more than three quarters full, but it's still no excuse for my non-existent writing habits.

The excuse never changes though. "Too busy" seems to be the standing lament in my world. And if I recited all the things I do on a weekly basis, it would be a valid excuse. But it still doesn't stop the nagging feeling that I wish I could do something different with my life.

I love my job. I do. I love my customers and my co-workers. If I have to work, this is the perfect job. Really, how many people can say that?
It's just that I'm two days into a four day vacation and I'm realizing all the things I can't do because of work.

I can't take Drew to the zoo or sit under the tree and share a picnic lunch. I can't get up and take a long walk to prepare myself for the day. I can't sit in my fake Adirondack and write my novel. I can't be the mom, wife, daughter and friend that I really want to be.

Do all of those things on the weekend you say. I know, but I don't.

I've been plagued with migraines again lately and I'm bone tired more days than I'm not. Each week my goal is to do laundry, get groceries and clean the house after work so I have more time on my cherished weekends. It never happens.

And so it continues week after week, month upon month until a year has surprisingly slipped by.

It's really not important that I write. I've sort of resigned myself to the idea that I most likely will never have a published work. I sure miss the dream though. I miss the practice and the exercise.

It's not just that I can't find the physical time. It's the mental energy that I lack. My mind just doesn't want to work "after hours" and thus I've taken to watching meaningless crap on television to basically fill the silence.

One thing I've learned in this lapsed year though is to just ride each swell of longing or discontent until the next "feel good" wave inevitably comes. I guess really, that's the most important thing any of us can learn in this world where we can't have everything we want.

14 comments:

Curly-Que said...

Amen sister. I feel every word you wrote right in the heart. You're so mentally drained after doing what we do all day, all week, that there is nothing left on the weekends. Love you, miss you, wish we were closer so we could hang. :)

martie said...

I understand what you are saying, but one thing you mentioned is cause for speaking up......as your Mom, I can do that! No matter what job outside the home you have, you are still a GREAT MOM and DAUGHTER. And nothing will ever change that. I love you more each day!

But I feel the same way now that I'm working.........there just aren't enough hours or energy in the day to be all things to everyone and have the fun with loved ones that you want.

Just do the best that you can do each and every day and in the end that's what counts!

Rachel said...

I stay at home all the time and still don't have enough time in the day to get everything done. Don't feel bad. Let the housework go and take Drew to the zoo on the weekend and do the picnic there too. Love ya sis.

chesneygirl said...

You're preachin' to the choir, sister!!

Miss you terribly!!!

Anonymous said...

YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I LIKE WHAT YOU WROTE, BECAUSE I CAN RELATE TO ALMOST EVERYTHING. I HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE. BUT WHEN I START TO FEEL LIKE I AM IN A RUT OR GETTING DOWN ON MYSELF, I REMEMBER THAT I FOUND MY WAY ONE DAY, AND EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND SHOULD BE GRATEFUL BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN THE LESS FORTUNATE. THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO FIND SOMETHING THAT TAKES YOU AWAY FROM ALL THE DISTRACTIONS, SOMETHING THAT FUFILLS YOURS SOUL AND ENJOY THAT MOTIVATES YOU OR YOU WILL END UP MAKING EXCUSES AND FEELING LESS GRATITUDE FOR THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU. DON'T TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED. FIND YOUR OWN WAY TO PEACE AND KEEP AN OPEN MIND. ALSO, WRITING LIKE YOU TALK ABOUT IS SOMETHING IN ITSELF BECAUSE YOU OWN IT AND IT SATISFIES YOU. LOOK OUTSIDE YOURSELF.

clew said...

Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkk!

(Love you!)

clew said...

5 days. Just sayin.

martie said...

Your blog should be on some ageing list, don't ya think?

Hugs

martie said...

Okay, you've changed jobs and added another one! Perhaps it's time for an update here!

I understand though, I'm not on as often either!

Sunflower said...

Stopping by with a hello girly. House work can wait...I vote for the zoo! Hope you can arrange some time out soon. You will be glad you did. I know that feeling too.

martie said...

We have all become too busy to post on our blogs that we once found so much fun and friendship and support here. Perhaps meeting in person and becoming good friends, has replace the need to keep in touch in this manner........or maybe Facebook has taken over where blogspot left off!

Hugs

Rita said...

Hey you wrote every word from your heart and it enters directly in my heart. You are a great writter.



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martie said...

Take the time and update this here blog.........you have so much to write about.........you can copy and paste some things you have written elsewhere........don't let this die, it's been almost 2 years since you written anything here! Just sayin'! Ido understand how busy you have been though!

Martie said...

You have been MIA for quite some time now....maybe you could come back and just give it a try once a month or so!